Skip off into the sunset hand in hand with these simple tips. You’re welcome.
- Turn up at her house at drop off time: 1. with homemade scones and; 2. without her children – time for some one on one time friend.
- Add her on all social media channels the minute you find out her name. Keep adding until she accepts you. If she blocks you, take it personally and call her out on it at the next pick up.
- When she is finally your worn-down social media buddy, tag her in all the fun step-family photos you’ve uploaded which don’t include her. Ask her in the comments to show them to her children; smiley face, hands in the air, quivering heart, family.
- If her rules are stupid, help her out by saying so to her children.
- She might be your new bestie, but her taste is terrible – so take her children shopping for new clothes. Make absolutely sure the clothes are more expensive and a completely different style to the ones they arrived in. Then put children in them, and return to their mother. That’s better.
- Arrive to pick up her children late and, if possible, out of breath. Apologise, explaining that [partner’s name here] kept you in bed. Exclaim loudly that she would remember what that was like.
- Find out the fun activities she has planned with the children on her weekends with them, and take the children to “rekkie them out” for her immediately beforehand.
- If she’s single (sad face), set her up with Mike from Finance. She may resist but do not take no for an answer. Turn up at the date by making an entrance, 15 minutes late and with unsuspecting partner in tow (“you knew this was a double date, right?”).
- Buy a hamster and name it after her. Tell her it reminds you of her but don’t specify why.
- When Christmas or other faith relevant celebration comes around, send her and your ever growing list a festive card of cheer of you, your partner and the children in matching jumpers. Include a sign-off from the hamster. No need to clarify “the hamster” at the end of it.
And by the end of all that, you might still have 99 problems but that bitch ain’t one!